Here we are. A year after we found out what we had been suspecting for a month or so - the cancer had spread.
The day before I had passed the third and final part of my Enrolled Agent certification exam and the office threw me a celebration breakfast. After lunch I got a call from Mommy. It was hard to understand her. Her speech was all but gone from the effects of radiation and biopsies. I thought she said we wouldn't know more for six more months. What she was really saying was "The doctors said I only have six more months to live."
To this day it still knocks the breath out of my lungs and my chest tightens.
I went home, collapsed on my bed in a puddle of tears and wondered "Why?" Not in a "How dare you God" way, but a "Help me to see" way.
Last week my friend said that she was grateful that we have a God who is bigger than our understanding, because if we could figure Him out, what would be the point of serving Him?
Last year I couldn't see that six months would really only be six weeks.
Last year I couldn't see the depth of pain that losing her would leave me with.
Last year I couldn't see her asking me "Am I still alive? I haven't died yet?" in the middle of the night at the hospital.
In God's grace, He didn't allow me to see. He allowed me to be confused and in the dark so I could face the next day, the next moment, the next year.
He also did not show me that my pain would allow me to comfort others and share what I had learned. Or that through this year we would grow closer to Him and to each other.
I sense the beginning of the wave of emotions as we come closer to six weeks from now. And I am grateful that God does not show us more than we can handle on any given day. Friends, take comfort in knowing that what He shows us and allows to take place in our lives is always good and full of grace. In His compassion, He worked this out for our good. And yes, that means, that He felt it was best to take her HOME than to leave her with us. I know that was good and full of grace - even if I can't see it.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
It blesses my heart to read your words this morning. Just as it blessed my heart each and every time I got to read your mommy's words on her blog or in an email. Her faith always inspired me and now I am so grateful to know that her faith took root and blossomed so beautifully in you. I am teary eyed thinking of last year, but I'm so proud to have known your mom, to have been someone that she prayed for and cared for - I will continue to be faithful and to pray for you and your family. God bless you Melinda.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you wrote these words Melinda. I can hear you say them with such devotion and trust in God. I love you,
ReplyDelete"Almighty God, in ever way
You are above and beyond understanding"
I feel that I am not ready for these next six weeks and I don't want to face them one tiny bit.
ReplyDeleteBut this was a good reminder of God's grace in our lives. And it was good to be reminded by you that He will only give us what he can handle in that moment or day and that He will give us the grace to sustain us in that moment, that day.
I'm praying for that same grace for these next few weeks and years to come. I love you Melinda and your faithful trust in God.
I failed to come over here and read this until today. I dreamed about all of you girls last night. . . so vividly. I was supposed to go to Chicago - so I went, by way of Thunder Bay.
ReplyDeleteI remember hugging you all so tightly. And just crying. . . .
This was a beautiful post, and I'm overjoyed to walk through the next six weeks with you girls. You mom would be, and always was so very proud of each one of you....